The LuxMob Info Tags

One of the hundred million things new parents have to do is pick
out a name for the baby, preferably before the child reaches his
or her 18th birthday, if for no other reason than it is very
difficult to register to vote when you are only known as “Baby
Smith.”

Picking a name is a little trickier and more important than you
first think. You want your child to be successful and confident
in the world. You want your child to take charge of life and be
able to face others and make good first impressions. It is for
this reason that very few children are named “Roscoe” anymore.

Now, before I start getting email and nasty comments from
hundreds of people named Roscoe (as if someone named Roscoe
could use a computer!) I want to assure you that I think there
is absolutely nothing wrong with the name Roscoe if you never
want your child to be anymore than a truck mechanic or run a
roadside barbecue pit in Kentucky. And with a name like that you
can easily save money on clothing because you know there are
plenty of bowling shirts and overalls at your local Goodwill
that already have the name “Roscoe” stitched right on them. I
mean, are there any astronauts named Roscoe? How many nobel
prize winners have been named Roscoe? I’m too lazy to actually
check this, but I’m pretty sure the number is right around zero,
give or take a few.

So how do you go about picking a baby name?

The big trend in naming babies these days is picking a common
name and then giving it some sort of “alternative” spelling
which breaks most of the common sense rules of the English
language. For example, one of the trendiest new boys name is
“Dylan” but that’s a very traditional spelling. Modern parents
would likely use one of these alternatives:

* Dillon * Dillan * Dylin * Dillllllen * Dil8an (the 8 is
silent) * Roscoe

If you really want to be on the cutting edge of baby-naming
(and, really, who doesn’t?) then you’ll make up some sort of
name using the parts of various other popular names. For
example, the top ten very popular girl names right now are:
Emily, Emma, Hannah, Madison, Olivia, Grace, Elizabeth, Abigail,
Samantha and Alexis. A truly progressive parent would come up
with one of these variations:

* Emmadison * Grolivia * Abixis * Elizabigailexisamanthannah *
Samadison * Roscoe

If you’re still having a hard time picking out your baby’s name,
you’re not alone. There are, however, a lot of different ways to
go about it.

Lots of people turn to books to suggest names for their babies
and it’s pretty evident who these parents are when we have
little Zeus and Jeronin digging with shovels in the sandbox
while Lucritia and Saranese are playing jacks on the sidewalk.

If books aren’t your thing then maybe you should turn on the
television for a few hours and simply write down every name you
hear and think if any of those sound good to you or not. Being
selective is the key here. No matter how pretty your daughter is
she probably won’t be named prom queen if she’s named “Larry
King” or “Spongebob”.

Lastly, you could always look back into your own family history
and name your baby after a particularly important relative. If
you don’t have any particularly important relatives, then aim to
name your child after a particularly old and rich relative. Hey,
it never hurts.

Now that you’ve finally picked out a baby name you can relax,
right? Wrong! Far from it!

This is your first chance of many to screw with people’s minds.
You’re going to be a parent soon and your mind-screwing ability
is going to have to be pretty top-notch. Do you think it’s going
to be easy to get a three-year old to go to bed on time every
night? Heck, no! You’re going to have to tell all sorts of
fantastic stories about monsters coming to get him or killer
robots enslaving the world if he doesn’t get to bed at a decent
hour.

Really, one can argue that most of child-raising is based on the
idea of tricking the little buggers into doing what you want
them to do. So get used to pulling this sort of stunt. You’re
going to be a parent. It’s your duty now.

You see, the last thing you want to do is pick out these great
baby names and then tell you friends and family because they’ll
immediately make comments like “Oh, are you sure about that?”
and “Oh… that’s…. interesting…” and “Oh, dear God!!” And
then you’ll be forced to listen to hours and hours of stories
about why the name you like for your baby is all wrong and why
you should really name the baby “Dillynn”.

No, what you need to do is now spend some time picking out the
worse possible names you can possible think of and beginning
telling people that those names are what you’re going to give
your child. For example, let’s say you found the perfect baby
name. You should keep the name to yourself and tell everyone you
know that you’re going to name him “Englebert Horatio” with a
straight face. You’ll earn extra credibility if you buy a few
bibs with “Englebert” stitched on them. Tell your parents how
you’re planning on calling him “Eggy” when he’s young.

This way when your baby is born you can surprise your friends
and relatives with a the real name and make them all sigh a
huge, collective sigh of relief (except for aunt Jane who alread
purchased a silver baby rattle with the initials “EH” engraved
on it).

This will especially please the person you named your new baby
after - your old rich uncle Roscoe.

“Life is about living with people, not counting the seconds”.
With a grin on your face and an open mind, consider the following efficiencies:

Use one word where it is enough.
Use two words where you wish to use twice as many.
Find a friend who is that.
Lose a friend who is not that.
Redefine descriptions, perhaps.

Spare the rod and have a spare rod, as well as more energy. (T.M.)

Remember to rinse your disposable razor thoroughly to extend its workable life. You’ll get six months from it!.

Oil the axle of your wheel barrow and de-grease the shafts. Inflating the tyre is exercise-dependent!

Only curse if politically strategic.

Look your enemy in the eye, front or back of it.
Look your friend in the eye; the front of it.

Like timely flatulence, release to the atmosphere all guilt that is not truly yours.
Even if it is, consider a similar release!

Abandon expeditiously, your formidable hindsight, as it no longer applies.
It is no more than a clever commitment to clutter the consciousness!

Use a pliable margarine over a difficult butter.

Copy and paste, as thats what it is for.

Never turn your head where the swing of an eyeball is sufficient.

Always, use a shorter word than efficiency where you can find it easily.
If you ever had a difficult butter, you can reprint this anywhere and link it to the http://www.thetrivialtimes.com

(c) Thick Mick
treblethick@The Trivial Times.com

About the Author

Thick Mick is an “expert” columnist with The Trivial Times
By r.s.s. at http://www.thetrivialtimes.com/backend.php

There’s a lot of stupid assed speakers and such in my school that come and talk to us about sex and saying no.Bullshit I say,they hand out papers with 50 ways to say no to sex.Being the nice guy I am I came up with 1 way to get around each of those sayings.Some of these were actually taken from the paper given.They’re fucking retarded.So without further bullshit…50 Ways to Say No to Sex and 50 ways to get around them.

1.”I just had my hair done”-Giving me a blow job won’t mess your hair up at all.

2.”I don’t feel good.”-You know they say eating penis helps with sickness.

3.”I don’t want to get pregnant.”-You can’t get pregnant from a little anal.

4.”Don’t you respect me?”-I’ll do more than respect you if you’ll spread em.

5.”No.”-Ok,you might want to just punch her and rape for this one.

6.”I want my first time to be special.”-We can break out the furry handcuffs if that’ll suit you.

7.”I want to wait until I’m married.”-Good one,married couples don’t fuck.

8.”I’m not attracted to you like that.”-Would you like another beer?

9.”I don’t want an STD”-Trust me,I don’t have a green dick.

10.”Go to hell”-I will after I go to heaven,that is if you’ll take me there.

11.”I have to take a shower.”-Awesome,you know how to have fun.

12.”My mother would kill me.”-Fine,I’ll bang her too so she don’t get jealous.

13.”I have a boyfriend,he’ll be mad.”-Your boyfriend is cheating on you.I know it hurts to hear,but I can make it all better.

14.”If you loved me you’d wait until I was ready.”-No,if you loved me you’d do anything for me.

15.”We can have fun without having sex.”-Yes,I could have fun without playing hockey,but that don’t stop me from playing it.

16.”This isn’t the right place.”-Ok,my house isn’t far away.

17.”I have things to do.”-Yeah…I’m waiting.

18.”I have a headache.”-I have Advil.I’ll be ready in about 20 minutes.

19.”Isn’t this a bad place to do it?”-Now what’s wrong with a little sex in the McDonalds cooler now and then?

20.”My car needs washed.”-Oh good,I’ve never had sex in an automatic car wash before.

21.”I’d feel slutty”-So,you probably should.

22.”I’m tired.”-Ok,get a power nap and I’ll watch TV till you get back.

23.”I have to take my clothes to the laundromat.”Well aren’t you going to need something fun to do while they wash?

24.”I’m meeting my friends tonight for dinner.I have to go.”-Hmm…are your friends attractive?

25.”Sorry bye!*leaves*”-*Catches with rope.*You know the drill.

26.”Sorry I’m meeting the Epic tonight.”-Ok,there really is nothing that will keep a woman from seeing me.

27.”I would much rather go out for dinner.”-Ok,how about after that?

28.”Can’t we do something else?”-Yes,but that’s not the point.

29.”My favorite TV show is on.”-You have Tivo bitch.

30.”I’m hunrgy.”-How about eating a really big wiener?

31.”I have too much respect for myself to have sex at an early age.”-I respect you enough to want in your pants.That deserves something.

32.”There’s a good movie playing tonight.”-Yeah,a nice dark place.Sounds kinky.

33.”No I hate you.”-Well you can hate me and punish my peter any day of the week.

34.”I’m not in the mood.”-Would you like a beer?

35.”Mommy,the strange man is scaring me.”-Listen I have Jolly Ranchers,just get in the god damned van.

36.”I’m late for work.”-Well since you’re already in trouble you may as well have fun before you get yelled at.

37.”What do you think I am,some cheap slut?”-Ok maybe 10 was a little low,how about 100?

38.”I just took a shower.”-But I bet you didn’t take a golden shower.

39.”I appriciate dinner,but that doesn’t mean I’ll have sex with you.”-Waiter,seperate checks please.

40.”Hold on,I have a phone call.”-That’s why they invented voicemail.

41.”Aren’t you the kid that had his ass duct taped in the 11th grade?”-How’d you like to be the girl that got her ass taped into by *insert full name here*?

42.”I’m a nun.”-(Ok,why you’d hit on a nun evades me,but oh well.)

43.”It’s that time of the month.”-…god damn it.

44.”I’m old enough to be your grandmother.”-But you’re not my grandmother so it’s all good.

45.”What if my daughter walks in?”-I’m thinking we can keep this all in the family.

46.”Those people will be able to see us.”-Oh,an audience.

47.”I don’t want you to think I’m easy.”-I don’t care if you are,you’re making my penis hard.

48.”Lets go golfing instead.”-If we get lost in the wood I’ll let you wash my balls.(I can’t turn down a round of golf.)

49.”All you men care about is sex.”-That’s right,all of my caring is spent towards you.Don’t you love me?

50.”I’m lesbien.”-Turn off the lights,there will be no difference between me and the strap on.

There you are.50 ways you’ll be having sex in no time.These are not guarenteed to work,but how could they not?I may come out with another one of these,I don’t know yet.

About the Author

The Epic is the owner of a personal site called the Epic Zone.You can visit by going to theepiczone.com.Feel free to use this article on a site or in a newsletter,but make sure to link to theepiczone.com and give proper credit.You can contact The Epic at theepic@theepiczone.com

Startlingly enough, it looks as if the time will soon arrive when the USA will have to play catch-up with Cuba in oil exploration. The diminutive and destitute communist enclave that serves as Fidel Castro’s personal cigar plantation now realizes that it has enough oil reserves under its coastal waters to prop up its no-go economy for decades and, incapable of assembling the capacity to out the oil itself, the island nation has begun to license drilling rights to other countries, including China, the prospect of which alarms us, and Spain, the idea of which invites us to think of tapas.

In wisdom wrought from its neediness, the resourceful islet has also offered to license American oil companies.

Expectedly enough, the very prospect of Cuba scooping oil out of the ocean floor while America has outlawed it for decades has enkindled hot debate in Congress about the present wisdom of our self-imposed interdiction. The debate has rapidly blossomed into a gusher partly because America has even more proven oil reserves in its coastal waters, no doubt principally because it has even more coastal waters.

Persuasively enough in these oil-dear times, there seems to be enough of the black gold there to meet all of our energy needs for about 18 years, or long enough for all the leaders in the Middle East who we aren’t getting along with these days to go the way of leaders everywhere who, we determine, are irredeemably misguided.

Naturally, conservation societies have been galvanized into opposition by the mere prospect of an oil bit chomping into the emerald waters of our abundantly fishy coastlines in search of the liquid treasure below the reefs.

As the debate bubbles on, we can only consider a worst-case, best-case scenario. Worst case: we do nothing while foreign companies who don’t exactly have the most reverential reputations in ecological propriety drill away and, as time allows, send oil spills slithering onto our beaches. Best case: we race to catch up with Cuba and maybe even preempt the ill-advised entanglements that might otherwise drill down into our hemisphere.

Since we’re actually talking about drilling in our own backyard pond, we might also, one hopes, do it in ways that are less likely to lead to the shameful oil blights that fill us all with remorse and send fish and fowl off to tarry death – derelictions that strange countries in a strange land might less assiduously labor to avoid.

Tom Attea, creator of NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing “”delightfully funny” and “witty” with “good, genuine laughs.”

A funny thing happened during my last trip to Atlanta. I was visiting my buddy John—not a southerner, but we had a good time nonetheless.

John is the type of guy who lives in the right house, drives the right car, wears the right clothes, and always laughs at your jokes whether funny or not—good to have a friend like that.

Oh yeah, one more thing, he’s thin.

We were out on Saturday doing all the things you can’t do in Dothan, AL. Like, getting a sprayed-on suntan, having a cup of Starbuck’s coffee, watching a man dressed as a drum majorette twirling a baton at the corner of Piedmont and Monroe; but I digress.

It was approaching three o’clock as John said from behind the steering wheel of his Mercedes, “I forgot lunch, are you hungry?”

It was like a message from beyond. All these years I’ve been wondering why I can’t lose weight and my friends seem to be faithfully thin.

I can sum it all up in one sentence:

I DON’T FORGET TO EAT.

Unbeknownst to John, not only had I not forgotten lunch, I had been planning the blessed event since breakfast. Yes, I had gone over it a million times in my brain planning what sorts of cuisines we could choose from. I knew from experience, he’d spring the lunch question at the last minute and I needed to be prepared with choices like, Italian, Mexican or just plain southern food. A guy like me can’t be trusted with a snap decision about a meal; we only get three of them in a day.

But to forget lunch altogether? The concept is as foreign to me as men’s clothes are to that majorette.

Where did I go wrong? I’ve reviewed the details of my life to determine at what point I became obsessed with this eating habit. The only result I can come up with is that no one in my family ever forgot to eat. I come from a huge family even though there are just a few of us who haven’t already “passed away” because of high cholesterol—but eating is a joyous time for the one’s of us that are left. We begin thinking about new recipes for Thanksgiving in about the July timeframe. And, we know what we’re having for supper before the lunch dishes are cleared.

Forget about fad diets; forget about food exchanges, calories and carbs. I have an announcement for America—you won’t be thin unless you forget to eat!

So, how do you forget?

I’ve been trying to forget ever since I got back from Atlanta, but so far I’ve been a failure. Every time I attempt to forget eating, I see a billboard, television commercial or hear a radio ad about new undiscovered delicacies I haven’t even tried. The choices are limitless and my will to eat everything before it kills me is far too great.

There was only once in my life when I was successful in losing unwanted pounds. It was after my trip south of the boarder and I picked up a nasty little bug that was living in the ice cubes of my coke—so, my doctor says. That little bug kept me running between the water closet and my bed for three days. At the end of it, I had lost 10 pounds and during most of that time it never occurred to me to eat. I can only conclude that thin people must have this sick feeling all the time that keeps food far from their minds. If they only knew how great us fat people feel they’d schedule their meals a week in advance just like we do.

I’d go on with this column, but the bell just rang on the microwave oven. My popcorn with extra butter is ready to eat; that’ll hold me to supper when we’re having country-fried steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, biscuits, and sweet potato pie for desert.

I think it’s time for another trip to Mexico.

Ya’ll come!

David Zack Holmes is an Inspirational/Humor Writer telling his tales with a southern flair. To read other features see: http://www.davidzackholmes.com

As a student of the body-politik, I have recently been
re-examining the seemingly absurd notion of having comedians and
cartoon characters filling in for the roles of our current
politicians and statesman. After careful consideration- the
notion may not be so absurd at all.

As a former student of public administration at Ohio State
University in the mid 1980s, I had offered the notion to one of
my professors. She looked at me quite condescendingly and
suggested that perhaps I should spend less time in front of the
tube on Saturday mornings and more time studying the rudiments
of statesmanship. I took it personally and offered her an
exploding cigar.

Others have clandestinely intimated to me that there just might
be true merit to the idea. Our corridors of power would not be
filled with the current group of irksome and often mediocre
politicos pursuing self-serving agendas. Instead, a diverse
assemblage of wise-cracking rabbits, sponges wearing square
pants, and fearless mice sporting capes would successfully be
passing legislation. As an example, what better group to
consider the issues of commercial depletion of our national park
lands than the very critters who inhabit them? Daffy Duck’s take
on hunting legislation would be of immeasurable value. And who
better than Mickey Mouse to offer some prudent advice on cheese
export tariffs?

Talk about political expediency, having the ability to
physically zoom above political firestorms, walk off of mountain
cliffs without falling, and deftly slip in and out of rabbit
holes during voting role calls, does have its value. Along with
our celluloid friends, real life comedians would equally do well
as substitutes for our contemporary statesmen. The late Rodney
Dangerfield, although obsessed with his self-proclaimed lack of
receiving respect, would offer some real insight to issues
regarding dignity for those living on the edges of society. Joan
Rivers, as chair of a senate subcommittee investigating
licensing regs for cosmetic surgery would leave them in
stitches. And, seasoned legislators would have nothing on Moe,
Larry and Curly. Only this trio, based upon collective personal
experience, could effectively influence legislation on the
public health hazards of misplaced banana peels, the impact of
being poked in the eyes, and the ramifications of ingesting
varnish and paint.

In sum, I am convinced that there are few social or political
problems that couldn’t easily be solved by that special
character who has mastered the perfectly executed pratfall,
delivered an artfully tossed cream-pie, or had an anvil fall
upon their heads.

You can have your legislators, your savvy politicians, your
stuffy statesmen.

As for me…a government of bunnies, rascals, and stand-ups
will do just well…with Porky Pig, of course, as
“P…PP..PPres..presid…er…a…Chief Executive!”

It is a well known fact that when it comes to sleeping habits, some people seem oblivious to the house falling down around them, while others are roused by the slightest noise that seems out of place.

In a little known lifetime study conducted with questionable scientific reliability, I have come to the conclusion that many people who suffer from sleeping disorders owe their afflictions in no small part to allowing pets to share the bed chamber. The findings conclude that pet influences can be divided equally between cat and dog owners that allow their pets access to sleeping with their human caretakers, with slight variations in animal behaviors. The following pet activities, realized or not by their owners, are significant contributors to poor rest.

Contributing Factors from Cats:
1. Pouncing in the dark on genitals.
2. Growling at other cats prowling outside the bedroom window.
3. Licking and grooming themselves next to a sleeper’s head.
4. Pillow stomping back and forth during shifts in human positioning.
5. Foot attacks ten minutes before the alarm clock goes off.
6. Leaps onto the bed from raised positions like a nearby chest of drawers.
7. Standing on the solar plexus with weight shifted to one paw.
8. Late night breath sniffing to see if the person is awake.
9. Chasing lights from passing automobiles, reflected through closed blinds.
10. Snoring and loud purring.
11. Batting at metal blinds.
12. Cat box digging.
13. Hocking up hairballs.

Contributing Factors from Dogs:

1. Hopping across genitals in the dark.
2. Chouncing and licking their own genitals next to a sleeper’s head.
3. Growling and barking at strange noises.
4. Crowding and lip smacking.
5. Dreaming and flinching.
6. Nuzzling feet and hands.
7. Circling and flopping down across sleeper’s feet and legs.
8. Snoring.
9. Door scratching and wining.
10. Scratching themselves behind the ears.
11. Drooling.
12. Blanket digging.

Most people who can sleep through a tornado insist they cannot rest without the presence of a pet, while light sleepers tend to compromise by doing most of their sleeping at work. For sleep study workers who are baffled by light sleepers who seem able to fall asleep quickly and deeply in the laboratory, I say you just forgot to throw in the cat.

Director of Software Concepts
BHO Technologists - LittleTek Center
Teaching computers to work with people.
HTTP://home.earthlink.net/~jdir

PUBLISHING GUIDELINES: You may freely reprint this article in a print or online magazine, e-zine, or newsletter provided that you leave the byline intact, do not alter the content, and make the blog address, www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com “clickable” in any electronic format. Please send a courtesy copy for my records via email to: quippingqueen@yahoo.com.

WORD COUNT: 903

Well, I suppose we should all be “happier than a pig in a poke”. Why? This year marks the first time a man-made object has landed on Mars. Let’s see, at last count there were at least two charming little robots (from the Land of Stars and Stripes naturally) putzing about the surface of the “Red Planet”.

And, if I’m not mistaken, Mars is also home to some space junk including two deader-than-a-doornail non-entities (hailing from somewhere that shall remain nameless). At last report, the Dudley-Do-Little-Devices crash-landed who knows where on the Red Planet.

Since we haven’t located the “Lost and Found” on Mars yet, we haven’t got a clue if the devices are lost or whether they’re just hiding. Since no Martians turned up to greet us let alone give us the coordinates of the Lost & Found, the voyageurs from Earth have been caught between a rock and a hard place as it were. Okay, so maybe the Martians were busy the day we arrived, or possibly they lost their maps to the Lost & Found. Oh well, no matter, who cares … onto more pressing news.

After the first televised glimpse of the Mars landscape, my mind began to ponder and then it wandered off on a very long tangent. That often happens when it’s been a slow news day, a sluggish news week or sometimes even a slothful news month.

I don’t know about you, but frankly I got a tad bored looking at red rocks (on the bottom of a crater floor), more rusty rocks (on the frigging flatlands) and a black void of nothingness as far as the eye could see. Let’s face it… unless you’re really into red rocks, there’s not a whole lot going for for Mars.

So, where’s the “Red Dwarf”? That’s what I want to know. After all, why did man set out on this galactic adventure if he didn’t have a mission to find the little fellow. (Shy you say, well I’d say he’s probably just tucked away somewhere in this color-coordinated place …you would think.)

After pondering and even more pondering (because I had nothing pressing on my “to-do” list), I began to think of things you might find on Mars. The list was incredibly short. So I came up with something better, “things you probably won’t find on Mars”.

Here are a few things I came up with in the ten minutes allocated to this priority task, (ranked no. 13 on my “to-do” list today). Now remember, it’s neither a definitive nor an exhaustive list…but it’s a good first attempt.

By the way, feel free to add to my list if you want. After all, it’s not like there’s someone out there with a franchise on the truth who’s going to tell you, you’re wrong. Trust me on this one! Just toss your togs and your thinking cap along with your blessed beliefs. Now listen up… join the other tots in the sandbox…wiggle your toes … and let go your nightmares for pete’s sake!

** Waterclosets, Loos and Tinkle-Pantries. (Since there’s no H2O here to make them work, there’s not a lot of demand for them. The bad news is visitors will have to wear bloopy space suits equipped with compact wonder-waste baggies around their navels. So, suck it up all you Trekkies! Oh, and by the way, who said Mars was a five-star destination resort anyway?)

** Spinach, beans, and green garbage bags. (That means you won’t find Popeye, the Jolly Green Giant or the Man from Glad. Now isn’t that a relief!)

** Wal-Mart, Home-Depot, and the Golden Arches. (They’re still scrapping over who gets to play “King of the Castle” back on Earth and besides, they really don’t give a sweet tweet about a vertically-challenged dude named “Red Dwarf” or a bunch of red rocks for that matter.)

**Trees. (Okay, so there’s no low-hanging fruit let alone a place for money to grow on. Not good news for award-winning fruitcake-makers or whackers of the world who want to chop things down and make stuff like toothpicks, chopsticks and ready-to-assemble doll-house furniture.)

**Monarchs, Misfits and Mystics. (Without throne rooms, monarchs won’t have a place to sit upon; no bars or slot machines means that hustlers and lounge lizards won’t have a place to meet and greet; and in the absence of live bait, mystics won’t be able to win friends and influence lost souls. Sometimes life just sucks, especially if one lives on Mars!)

**Perfectly Normal Beasts. (Large, spotted, charging sort of succulent, sweet-flavored, tender hoofed animals that are safe to skewer over a barbecue; a cross between a cow, a bull and a kind of buffalo — only hairless, you know the ones that gallump and grovel about on the back nine in the springtime and then disappear into the sunset in the fall. Don’t ask me why they do that, they just do.)

** Women from Venus. (Without any men on Mars, there’s not a hope in hell that any women from Venus would be dumb enough to waste a trip to a pathetic planet full of red rocks ruled by a duffus named “Red Dwarf”.)

__________

For further information on the elusive “Red Dwarf” please check out: http://www.reddwarf.co.uk

For all manner of important, significant and really vital stuff you should know, please refer to the “Unconventional Guide to Life, the Universe & Everything” at http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/

About the Author

Victoria Elizabeth, “Quipping Queen & Empress of Everything” lives in Victoria, B.C. Canada. Besides issuing potty proclamations from her virtual throne room at www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com, HRH adores receiving greetings at: quippingqueen@yahoo.com. When not busy with royal duties, she earns her bread and peanut butter as a “business development consultant” (whatever that means).

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One of the great benefits of belonging to a health club is the huge variety of exercise equipment that’s available. It’s also a great place to meet and observe a wide cross section of society. Here are just a few of the more notable health club regulars:

1. Screaming Banshee –- We’ve all been focused on our workout when out of nowhere comes a blood-curdling sound from the corner of the weight room. You look over and there’s a guy doing laterals with 20 lb dumbbells. It doesn’t matter what the exercise or weight is –- he’s screaming with every rep. If it helps his workouts, then more power to him! It certainly makes a good case for a Walkman.

2. The Strainer –- The Strainer can often be observed loading up a barbell or weight stack with poundage that he is unable to perform even a single rep in good form with. A favorite exercise of the Strainer is the triceps press down machine. He will position the pin almost near the bottom of the weight stack and then proceed to wrestle the stack downward with every ounce of his being. It’s truly painful to watch, but like a car wreck, it’s hard to look away.

After using most all of the muscles in his upper body along with several in his lower, he finally manages to complete a rep. “That’s one!” Yep, only nine more to go. Oh yeah, don’t bother trying to be helpful and tell him to use less weight. You’ll only be greeted with a nasty glare.

3. iPod Head Banger –- this is usually a young person, male or female, who seems to have ear buds permanently implanted into their head. Music can be a great inspiration during your workouts, but these folks turn the volume up to 11. Of course everyone in the immediate area can groove to the same jams due to the sound leaking out from their ear buds.

The hazard is that Mr. or Ms Head Banger is usually oblivious to their surroundings and you’ll need to shout to get their attention if the need arises. At least you can hear them coming and give them a wide berth.

4. Stanley Steamer –- it’s hard to believe, but there are people who actually use their gym memberships just to avail themselves of the locker room amenities. Take Stanley Steamer for example. He may come in on his lunch hour or after work and do some quick cardio work and then it’s right back to the locker room. The cardio work is just a pretext for what comes next.

He then will do alternating shifts between the dry sauna and steam room until he’s sweated out every last drop of water from his body. This process can go on for up to an hour. “Great for the pores!” he’ll tell you as he stands there glistening like a Thanksgiving Butterball. You go Stan!

5. Ken and Barbie –- there are some gym regulars who are so genetically gifted that they have gone into permanent “maintenance mode” for they’re training. Their routines consist of a solid core of shaping exercises with the strict rule that they must never, under any circumstances, ever shed one drop of sweat!

No hair is out of place and they look spectacular in their Lycra workout gear. In fact, you seem to never see them wearing anything else, even outside of the gym.

6. Chatty Cathy –- Cathy is a relatively new species that has evolved with the proliferation of cell phones and the trend to use them no matter where we are. She will take up position on the adductor machine and wait for a call –- any call –- which soon arrives without fail.

She’ll talk away for minutes on end. Occasionally passing the cell phone to any friends who have joined her for a “workout”. She’ll use these breaks to get in a few reps on whatever machine she’s parked herself on. Just to be fair and balanced, there are also plenty of Chatty Carls as well.

7. Swiss Ball Magician –- this is usually either a personal trainer or staff member who has learned a large repertoire of stability ball exercises from a special course or secret training manual. I marvel at the endless variety of moves they possess!

They’re on top of the ball, under it, along side it, between the legs with it, and around the back. They make the Harlem Globe Trotters look like pikers! Actually, I pay close attention when they’re around and try to cop some of their moves.

All of these types are well-meaning folks and they are certainly preferable to some of the knuckleheads that sometimes show up at the gym. They make going to the gym the enjoyable and enriching experience that it is.

About the Author

Rich Rojas writes elliptical trainer reviews and articles on health and fitness at EllipticalHome.com